I’ll be honest, I kinda hate holiday songs…

I recognize some of these new year songs…

reminds me of being over at relatives house, like big family gathering, in NYC, adults just talking and cousins playing with their phome or Nintendo DS or whatever, and I just sit there bored. And the whole 紅包 “Red Envelope” thing is a sham, you don’t get to keep the money, parents always just tell you to give it to them to “hold on to it”. I sometimes just refuse to accept the 紅包, and just said “just give it to mom” like bluntly (I wasn’t supposed to do that)… like wtf is this show of “giving 紅包” for lol. Is the gods watching? And so I was always there alone. Not alone, but my older brother was there but he speaks Taishanese and talks to the older relatives and idk he kinda just “fits in”, I mostly keep to myself and don’t like talking to anyone. I felt kinda unwelcomed. My aunts (dad’s sisters) talk to me, but I always felt kinda the vibe is weird. They’re form Hong Kong and kinda talk to me in a weird combination of Canto-glish (mix of Cantonese and English) like a Hong Konger… so it felt so weird lol… like I just had trust issues… acts wayyy tol friendly, felt kinda insincere, or maybe just too extroverted and I felt like I need room to breathe as an introvert. The aunt’s kids, my cousins, I feel like they hate me or something… They are all just ABCs (“American-Born Chinese”, it’s a slang term) and I feel like we never connected… like language barriers sort of, they barely speak Cantonese… One of the cousins even bullied me when I first got here.

It took a while before English became my primary language, and by that time, the first impressions were already set and the awkwardness and alienation is alreay stored in memory forever…

And now we don’t live in the same city anymore… so its forever, can’t be friends due to first impression. Those kids think they’re so superior with their birthright citizenship and learned English earlier from the start. Heh, I speak more languages than they do, bunch of bullies and losers.

So yea… holiday songs are forever ruined.

As for x-mas songs, I barely had any “friends” in school… so yeah… holiday songs reminded me of lonliness.

I remember once during like the afterschool program, I had sensory issues and like the music annoyed me so much, like it hurts my ears, so loud. So I went and turned it off (I was like 8 or 9 years old okay). Bitch white-lady karen teacher got pissed at me and marked me as misbehaving on the stupid behavior chart… so I got banned from the next school trip… fucking bitch. Also its afterschool, why does the behavior chart even apply outside school hours?

So yea… what a childhood… such a foreign place…